Tuesday, July 03, 2007

The Top 10 Reasons Why America Kicks Ass

In honor of Independence Day, hattip to Gorillamask. The idea for this list was swiped from Uber:

We're the best. Everybody knows it and that's why they're so dang jealous all the time. Sorry if our chicks are easily the hottest and our cars totally kick ass. It's not our fault we rule and everyone else in the world sucks. If anyone's got a problem with us we kick their ass or bomb their shit. BOOYA!

I like the intro but the list itself is kind of weak. So here's mine, with video evidence where applicable of course:

10. Airwolf

What does an obscure TV show from the 80's have to do with why America kicks ass? Because TV shows about our high tech prowess and know-how and its application in fighting badguys and saving lives is uniquely American. From Star Trek, to Airwolf, to Bluethunder, to Knightrider, Streethawk, to MacGuyver to ER and CSI, we know how to make shows with gadgets.

9. Staples

Imagine a whole store devoted to office supplies! I love walking among the aisles of inkjet cartridges, reams of paper, and pens, lots and lots of pens. The fact that there is a market for a store that caters to people's need to find cases of 24lb. 92 brightness recycled ecofriendly laser printer paper shows that commerce is alive in America.

8. New York City

The greatest city in the world. Period. The museums, the sights, the clubs, the bars, and the food. Strapz reminded me of how many different languages that you can hear just walking around Times Square. I was out there for two weeks and I don't recall ever having even an average meal. The fact that the sticker shock of visiting Manhattan ($20 for a mojito? $45 to park your car for a day?!?) was quickly forgotten since I was elbow deep in models and model wannabes sort reminds me of Vegas...which brings me to number 7

7. Las Vegas

Let's see, gambling, world-class restaurants, prostitutes, drug dealers. Las Vegas is a city built on vice. It is also a city whose character is derivative of every other destination worthy place in the world. Want to see France? Don't want to be stuck with sitting next to dirty, stinky Frenchmen? Visit the Paris Hotel in Vegas!!! Want to take a gondola ride in Italy but don't want to sit in the dirty stinky water that plagues the canals in Venice? Visit the Venetian Hotel in Vegas!!! Never got laid in high school but think that the idea of meeting/getting intimate with a nice girl or two or three at the same time sounds neat? Stand at the corner of Las Vegas Blvd and Tropicana and grab the card from the Mexican who's sticking them into the holes of the chainlink fence surrounding the latest casino under construction.

6. I agree with Uber's listing at #6:

The Unholy Trinity (Paris, Lindsay & Brtiney) - They show their cooters and nipples like it's nobody's business. Screw reading the news, show me some celebrity beaver! Yeee Haw!

5. Uber's #2 : Morbidly Obese People

We're fat and we're good at it. Even though McDonald's was forced to get rid of super sizing and KFC's chicken now has 0 grams of trans fat, America will continue to find new ways to keep it's citizens fat as shit.

The top four admittedly take a turn away from the spirit of Ubers list, but I have to say that I've had more of a chance to reflect on the title and this is what I've come up with:

4. Milton Friedman

A diminuitive man whose gianormous intellect and personality propelled him to become an economic advisor to Presidents and other world leaders. His message about economic freedom and monetary policy literally changed the world and set millions of people free. I'd like to give some love and mention Hayek and the influence of the Austrian school but this is a list about why America kicks ass after all.

3. Ronald Reagan

The Gipper, along with Milton Friedman, make the top 5. He is America. A man who, over the course of his life, married, divorced, married again, had kids, adopted a kid. He switched careers a few times, got into acting, got into politics. Oh yeah, his vision as President toppled the Soviet Union and set millions free. Yeah world, you're welcome.

2. We Americans have a Tradition of Rebellion

So goes the subtitle of this blog. What's interesting is we tend to rebel non-violently. Of course, our country was founded on a violent armed conflict and there was the whole Civil War thing. But look at the great social movements in this country, most have happened relatively peacefully. Women's suffrage, desegration, prohibition. It's too soon to tell, but I think that illegal immigration, and the ending of the income tax can be put on that particular list as well. Anyway, the number two reason why America kicks ass is because rebelling is part of our national character. That we do it peacefully is even better.

1. The Constitution

“Stop throwing the Constitution in my face,” Bush screamed back. “It’s just a goddamned piece of paper!"

So said W when confronted by members of the GOP in talks about renewing the Patriot Act.

Yes, it's the same paper that's been around for a couple hundred years, the same piece of paper that W and everyone else in government swears to "protect and defend". It is also the same piece of paper that we can come back to when we've lost our way as a country.

The vision of Washington, Franklin, Jefferson, Madison, and all the other founding fathers has brought an unprecedented amount of freedom and wealth to us. How fortunate are we today that the phrase "you can't do that, it's unconstitutional" still carries at least a little weight with our government.

The Constitution is the number one reason why America kicks ass. There are many like it, but this one is ours. Happy Birthday America!

There used to be a tradition in this country of reading aloud the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution at independence day celebrations around the country (at least that's what my "Little House on the Prairie" books used to tell me). I'm reviving that tradition this week.

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